Fertility Clinic

It’s 5:45 a.m. Israel time and while I should be sound asleep, I’m up crying. Baby J woke up at 5:15 a.m. and DH managed to get her back to sleep, but she woke me up and my thoughts won’t let me go back to bed. I’m hoping writing about my experience yesterday with the fertility clinic will be cathartic, since it’s very painful.

It pains me that I had to go to a fertility clinic. But, with the miscarriage and my history of APLA, I had no choice but to consult with a specialist. I went alone, as DH took so much time off of work during the miscarriage, that he wasn’t able to join me. I made sure to get to my appointment early and was checked in and sitting in the waiting room at 1:30 a.m. I was patient, and waited my turn like an adult. At 2:10, 10 minutes past my appointment, the receptionist called my named and told me to go to room 4 where the Dr. was waiting.

It was a 5 second walk down the hallway,  but what I didn’t know was that the couple in the 2:20 p.m. slot were standing outside of the Dr.’s door. I saw them enter and close the door behind them as I was walking down the hall. Confused, I stood in front of room #4 and politely knocked on the door. I mean, they had called my name and it was my turn, so what was going on.

I searched the hallway for the receptionist or a nurse and then poked my head into the nurses room. I asked them where Professor Simone was, thinking that maybe I misunderstood and went to the wrong room. One of the nurses asked me why I wanted to know and I explained that the receptionist had called my name for my appointment and directed me to this room but that another couple had walked in and closed the door. The nurse opened the door to the Professor’s room and poked her head in, she confirmed that this couple was the 2:20 p.m. appointment, spoke with the Professor, then closed the door. She told me that the couple was waiting by the door and, when the appointment ahead of me was finished, they just walked in. And, since the Professor already started with them, they would take over my appointment.

I was infuriated! How the hell did that JUST happen to me? And, with all the emotions I was dealing with post-miscarriage and being at the fertility clinic alone, I simply broke down and cried. I was so angry. The nurses tried to comfort me and asked me what was going on, and I explained as best I could through the tears, and they each said they would say something to the couple. And that it was horribly wrong what they did to steal my appointment.

But that didn’t help me. That didn’t make me feel better that they took the appointment. A nurse instructed me to stand outside of the door, so that as soon as they were finished, I could go right in. I stood outside the door for 40 minutes!!! And, the Professor didn’t see me until 2:40 – a full hour and 10 minutes after I had arrived.

When the couple walked out, I asked them in my broken Hebrew who they thought they were.  I admonished them for stealing my appointment, and then I told them that they were bad people. But, to add insult to injury, Professor Simone’s reaction was absolutely infuriating. And, if he wasn’t “the best fertility Dr. in the City”, I would have just left and found someone else.

I sat down in front of his, still tearing, and he asked me how long I have been living in Israel. I told him 4 years. He said, and in 4 years, don’t you know how people act around here?

Umm, where’s my APOLOGY? It was HIS fault for taking them ahead of me. He should have apologized to me for what he did. And his reaction is not an excuse. It doesn’t excuse this couples behavior!

We are in a freaking FERTILITY CLINIC!!! We are here because we want to bring children into this World. We are all fragile, somewhat broken, frustrated and upset human beings. Where is the compassion? Where is the empathy? Where is the shread of common human decency that is needed to rear other children?

Knowing I was in the right and they were in the wrong didn’t help me. The experience just made me want to crawl back into bed and, 16 hours later, the depression has hit me and I’m back in a funk. I woke up absolutely miserable by what I experienced. I had managed to pull myself together during the appointment, and even had a very pleasant evening with my DH and Baby J, but now I just don’t have the strength to get out of bed or greet the day.

I had a miscarriage and D&C three weeks ago. I went by myself to a fertility clinic. I was 30 minutes early. I waited with patience for my turn. And when they took my appointment, the Professor didn’t even stop, but rather continued with them, making me wait another 40 minutes? And, to add insult to injury, he didn’t apologize but told me that I should expect this sort of treatment from the natives?

Sorry, but I just wasn’t raised that way.

I try to never wish bad on people, because I would never want people to wish bad on me. It took all my faith in G-d to say a little prayer that I should never treat people the way I was treated yesterday, and that my children should never act in such a deplorable manner. I tried to tell myself that this couple is so desperate to have babies, that they would be willing to step on anything – and anyone – in their path. I told myself that, if they do manage to have children, perhaps they would rethink their course of actions.

After the appointment, I met with the fertility nurse, and she told me about the battery of tests that they now must run. Because the couple stole my appointment, I had to leave and couldn’t do the first ultrasound and round of blood tests they wanted to run. That really upset me since I have to cab it back and forth to the clinic, and that’s extra money I just don’t have lying around. And, they were sitting in the waiting room undergoing the round of tests, because they took my appointment and had more than enough time to take care of what was necessary during the first appointment.

Again, that just really upset me, and I cried in frustration during the cab ride back to our apartment. I have to find a morning next week to return to the clinic for these tests. I really wish I just didn’t have to do this.

I know in life, everything happens for a reason. There is a saying that everything happens for the best. It’s hard to see how it was a good thing to miscarry, how it was for the best that this Couple took my appointment, forcing me to now have to return to the Clinic next week to do my tests when I should have been able to do everything right then and there.

I know I should turn to my Faith for help, for healing. But it’s so difficult to do.

I think G-d is really mad at me. I just really wish I understood what I’ve done wrong.

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